Self-Esteem: Developing a Healthier Relationship With Yourself

When we hear the words self-esteem, it's easy to think they simply mean confidence or feeling good about ourselves.

But perhaps self-esteem is something deeper than that.

It may be reflected in how we relate to ourselves, how we care for ourselves, how we communicate our needs, and how we remain connected to other people without losing ourselves in the process.

Many of us were never taught how to balance these things. We may have learnt to put everyone else first, or perhaps to protect ourselves by keeping others at a distance. Sometimes we struggle to say what we need. At other times, we find ourselves carrying responsibility for everyone around us while quietly neglecting ourselves.

Healthy self-esteem is not about becoming more important than anyone else.

It is about recognising that our thoughts, feelings and needs matter, while also remembering that the same is true for other people.

Psychologist Nathaniel Branden described six practices, known as The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, which continue to influence many therapists and psychologists today. Rather than seeing self-esteem as something we either have or don't have, he suggested it can be developed through everyday ways of living.

Living consciously

Living consciously means becoming more aware of ourselves.

Rather than running on autopilot, we begin to notice our thoughts, feelings, reactions and patterns with curiosity rather than judgement.

Counselling often provides the space to slow down enough to recognise these patterns, helping us understand not only what we do, but why.

Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is not about approving of everything we do or believing we should never change.

Instead, it means allowing ourselves to acknowledge our thoughts, feelings and experiences honestly, without continually criticising or rejecting parts of ourselves.

Many of the parts of ourselves we struggle with today may have developed for understandable reasons.

Understanding them with compassion is often where change begins.

Self-responsibility

Self-responsibility is about recognising what belongs to us and what belongs to someone else.

We cannot control other people's choices, but we can take responsibility for our own.

This includes caring for our physical and emotional wellbeing, making decisions that reflect our values, and recognising when we may need support.

Self-assertiveness

Many people find it difficult to express their needs, say no without guilt, or believe that what they feel matters.

Others may have learnt that speaking up led to conflict or rejection.

Being assertive is not about becoming louder or demanding.

It is about communicating honestly and respectfully, recognising that our own voice deserves space alongside the voices of others.

In recent years, social media has encouraged many conversations about boundaries and self-care, which can be incredibly important.

However, healthy relationships are rarely about one person's needs becoming more important than another's.

They involve recognising that everyone's feelings matter, including our own.

Sometimes the healthiest question is not, "Who is right?" but, "How can we understand one another while still respecting ourselves?"

Living purposefully

Purpose does not always mean having a perfect career or knowing exactly where life is going.

It can simply mean moving towards what feels meaningful, making choices that reflect who we are, and taking small steps that are consistent with our values.

Purpose often develops gradually rather than appearing all at once.

Personal integrity

Personal integrity means living in a way that reflects what we genuinely believe.

When our actions, values and beliefs begin to align, we often experience a greater sense of inner stability and self-respect.

Integrity is not about perfection.

It is about gently trying to live in a way that feels true to ourselves.

A healthier relationship with yourself

For me, healthy self-esteem is not about putting yourself above other people.

Nor is it about continually putting everyone else before yourself.

It is about discovering that your needs matter too, while remaining able to recognise and respect the needs of those around you.

Perhaps this is where counselling can help.

Together we can explore how your early experiences, relationships and life events may have shaped the way you relate to yourself today.

With greater understanding often comes greater compassion.

And with compassion, we can begin to develop a healthier relationship with ourselves—one that allows us to care for others without losing ourselves along the way.