Sometimes clients say something very simple to me:
“Being an adult is hard.”
And perhaps there is something quite important in acknowledging that.
When we are younger, adulthood can look like a place we eventually arrive at. A time when we will know what we are doing, feel more confident in ourselves and somehow have life worked out.
Yet becoming an adult does not necessarily mean that we suddenly feel like one.
There can still be uncertainty, self-doubt, fear and moments when we wish somebody else could tell us what to do.
The weight of everyday life
Adult life can carry a surprising amount of responsibility.
Work, relationships, finances, homes, families, friendships, health and caring for others can all require something from us.
There are decisions to make, things to remember, people to consider and responsibilities that do not always disappear simply because we are tired or overwhelmed.
For some, this may include raising children. For others, it might involve caring for ageing parents, supporting a partner, managing health difficulties, navigating work pressures or simply trying to keep everyday life moving.
Sometimes there may not even be one particular thing that feels difficult.
Life itself can simply feel like a lot.
Does everyone else find this easier than me?
It can be easy to look at other people and imagine they are managing adulthood better than we are.
We see the colleague who seems confident, the friend who appears organised, the family who seem to have everything under control, or the person on social media whose life looks remarkably together.
What we don't always see is what happens behind the scenes.
Most of us have moments of uncertainty, exhaustion, worry or self-doubt. We may simply become very good at hiding them.
When we compare how we feel on the inside with how somebody else appears on the outside, it can leave us wondering whether we are somehow getting life wrong.
Perhaps we are not.
Perhaps being human is simply more complicated than it sometimes looks.
When we think someone else has it easier
This can also happen within our closest relationships.
When we feel overwhelmed, tired or unsupported, it can sometimes seem as though our partner has things easier than we do.
Parents may experience this particularly strongly. One person may feel they are carrying more of the practical responsibilities, while the other may be experiencing pressures around work, finances, parenting or their own emotional wellbeing.
Both people can be struggling at the same time, even if their struggles look very different.
When we are already stretched, it can become harder to see what somebody else may be carrying. We can begin keeping an internal score of who has done more, who is more tired, or whose needs should come first.
Perhaps the question does not always need to be “Who has it harder?”
Sometimes it might be:
“What are we both carrying?”
There can be room for both experiences.
Where do our own needs go?
When there is always something that needs doing, our own needs can gradually move further down the list.
We may tell ourselves we will rest when everything is finished, take some time for ourselves when life becomes quieter, or ask for help when things become really difficult.
But life does not always become quieter.
For people who have spent much of their lives looking after others, being responsible, coping or simply getting on with things, noticing their own needs can sometimes feel unfamiliar.
There may even be guilt attached to it.
Yet needing rest, support, reassurance, connection or time for ourselves does not disappear when we become adults.
We may grow older, but we do not stop being human.
We bring our younger selves with us
Adulthood also does not erase everything that came before it.
The ways we learnt to cope, seek approval, manage conflict, respond to criticism or protect ourselves can continue to influence us long after childhood has ended.
We may find ourselves feeling surprisingly small in certain situations, wanting reassurance, fearing that we have disappointed somebody, or becoming overwhelmed by something we think we should be able to manage.
Rather than criticising ourselves for these responses, perhaps we can become curious about them.
There may be understandable reasons why certain situations feel harder for us than others.
Perhaps we don't have to have it all worked out
There can be a quiet pressure in adulthood to appear capable.
To know what we are doing.
To make the right decisions.
To cope.
But perhaps being an adult is not about reaching a point where we no longer struggle.
Maybe it is about gradually getting to know ourselves — recognising when things feel difficult, understanding what we need, allowing ourselves to ask for support and accepting that we will not always get everything right.
Sometimes we may discover that we have been expecting ourselves to manage far more than we would ever expect of somebody else.
Life can be hard.
And perhaps acknowledging that does not mean we are failing at adulthood.
It may simply allow us to meet ourselves, and sometimes one another, with a little more understanding and compassion.